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[24 Jul 2005|12:06pm]

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[26 May 2005|12:42am]
Woo! it's been a while since i've been on LJ. not much has going on. Just updating.. goodbye
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Finale of my youth [12 Aug 2004|03:29pm]
Well, this day has been pretty good. I went got my new glasses, Then I went to DSA from A lunch to C lunch, and people were jus running up to me and saying HEY and shit. It really felt good, and I saw a lot of people lot of teachers. After that I went to carrington and Just had a walk, It really changed. EVERYTHING. Saw some old teachers and just pretty much just had some time to think about shit and look back at everthing. Then I went to northern and walked, didn't say a thing to anyone, well this one girl but that was kinda it. Oh well, I don't rreally care. All and all, I think i'm ready to go. I'm ready to move on and I think i'm ready to let go. I don't know. My room is kinda naked right now but I guess that's what happens when you move out. Just kinda sucks realising that this is my last day at home. My last day sleeping in that room, my last day of using the bathroom here. The little thing si'm going to miss. I'm kinda nervous about this whole thing. But I have to go sooner or later. This is my last post here. God, reading all the previous post from here, It's kinda funny how tme flies. Well. I guess this is it. Buh bye.
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[11 Aug 2004|12:32pm]
I had the most wierd dream ever. That I was doing fiddler still and they just opened a hot topic in the Arts Council and Britney Spears was there signing autographs, and I think I was the only one that actually went up to get an autograph.
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[11 Aug 2004|12:31am]
Mother cannot guide you.
Now you're on your own.
Only me beside you.
Still, you're not alone.
No one is alone. Truly.
No one is alone.
Sometimes people leave you.
Halfway through the wood.
Others may decieve you.
You decide whats good.
You decide alone.
But no one is alone.

So I decided to get enough guts to call my "Roomate". His mom answers and she's like "Who is this speaking" I was like "Maurio, his roomate from greensboro college" she then tells me " Ooooooooooooh, he's not going to greensboro anymore and decided to go somewhere else." Well, I was like "Ok, thank you for telling me" and E-mailed the residence dude and asked him WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO BE MY GOD DAMN ROOMATE THEN?! Well, I didn't actually write that in the e-mail but that was the restion. Somehow I think I'm taking this situation a little too lightly but there's nothing in my power that i can do. I mean I'm going to have to be on my P's and Q's about my sexuality and I dunno somehow i think i should be worried than I am now.
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[08 Aug 2004|10:58am]
Why Can't I get over what chris said to me? Why do words always have to leave an imprint on my life. He's just one guy and no-one else seemed to care, I mean yeah it was bad but everyone forgave me brush it off knew it was an accident but he said that i wasn't a serious performer, maybe he's right, maybe he told me something that people in Opera wanted to tell me. Maybe if I just shut up don't talk to anyone the next time i perform then i'll be ok . My personality is just annoying. Maybe I haven't been a serious performer. It was only him that seemed to think that, everyone else thought I did awesome? It's what he said will be like carved in my heart for the rest of my life. I can't even dance now without hearing " You're not a serious performer"

"Just because someone may not like you in one place , doesn't mean there isn't 10 people in the other place that absolutely love you"

Why can't I believe that? Why do i let one person ruin my life. Ugh. I don't see that maurio everyone sees, I see this annoying maurio that can never find true love in his life b/c of my weight. I wish I could see it. 4 DAYS UNTIL I FUCKING MOVE IN
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So it's over.. [08 Aug 2004|01:06am]
For 5 years every summer I've done that theatre camp. YPPC was my summer and I loved it. i suppose. Now today was my last show with YPPC and it just wasn't what I was expecting. For some odd reason I thought it would be the smartest thing to put my cell phone in my pocket during the performance, while i danced the phone went right out of my pocket.. The audienece didn't seem to care but this one guy in the show was like y'know, I'm not mad at you but that was unprofessional and I felt like you haven't taken the show serious" How dare he fuckin say that to me. It was a god damn accident, It's bad enough I got a shitty part but to say that I didn't take the show serious, like I fucking planned on letting the cell phone go wam out of the audience, I know it wasn't smart and maybe i'm not a serious performer, maybe that's why everyone at capital opera hated my guts. I guess i realized I deserved it and got over it, i've been told worse and i've had worse shit happen to me. I'm still alive eh. I just got back from the cast party.

Why am I so damn emotional? I wish there were times where I just didn't care, or had no heart. First leaving Durham, doing my last show in Durham, leaving my fucking wonderful house and leaving everything I've known and gotten used to for 15 years. To go to some methodist affiliated sports college in which I don't know if they are going to take me well. Everyone says I'm going to be fine in college. NO I'M NOT. I don't know, something is wrong with me and this whole puzzle of mine has a missing piece, It's not the confidence and I don't know what the hell it is. It's all happening so fast and I don't want to leave here yet I want to move on. I want to go to college, but I don't. At some point i'm going to have to live on my own, I guess now would be the time to do it? But emotinally i'm not ready I'm not tough enough to function on my own.

I need someone to love. That's asking too much though.

reminder : August 13th aptcy2008 will be opening for posting buisness. If anyone wants to add me there you can
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Sometimes you just don't fucking ask. [06 Aug 2004|02:51am]
For those who don't know or been to my school. The whole whoopi goldberg thing is an inside joke that went terribly too far. partially my fault.

Matt: not much. you?
DiRrTyChEeRsLaVe: sitting
Matt: yeah
Matt: i went and lied down but damned if i can sleep
DiRrTyChEeRsLaVe: i can't neither
Matt: whoopi goldberg?
DiRrTyChEeRsLaVe: ummm sure!
Matt: yay
DiRrTyChEeRsLaVe: what can i say nightmares
DiRrTyChEeRsLaVe: i was having wet dreams about carlos and then all of a sudden he turns in to whoopi goldberg
Matt: hah
DiRrTyChEeRsLaVe: and she's like "You need to try the slim fast diet"
DiRrTyChEeRsLaVe: and it's like i was doing hot things with carlos
Matt: "You can be a big loser, too!"
DiRrTyChEeRsLaVe: and then the fact that he turns in to whoopi goldberg while doing hot things is like scary
Matt: or kinky
DiRrTyChEeRsLaVe: cuz that means i'm doing hot things to whoopi goldberg
DiRrTyChEeRsLaVe: and that's just not cool man
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It's midnight, so it's friday and that means a day has passed.. this means [06 Aug 2004|12:46am]
6 fucking days until I move in. Seems like yesterday it was monday, funny how you think time is slow then when it hits you're like "Holy shit that was fast". For some odd reason, I'm counting down the days? I don't know why. Maybe the fact that I'm leaving everything I know hasn't sunk in yet. This is probably the case. DSA had their orientation and I went. It was actually nice seeing alot of people and teachers again, I might go back before I leave. I never like saying goodbye, it kinda sucks. Goind to school isn't the scary part of this. actually it kinda is, but leaving home, the little things, no mom to be all nagging and shit no going in my room, not having a soda after school and go on the computer before i went straight to opera rehearsal and get home at 10 and like do a 3rd of my homoework, as much as it all sucked I'm gunna kinda miss those days. It's funny how you don't want to repeat the past but sometimes you do. Maybe that's me. Being independent, not seeing my parents everyday, being among people who i don't know whether I can trust or not. It's all like happening soo fast. Ugh.

Maurio get over yourself, you're not the only one that's going to college and is going to miss his/her parents and everything at home. You're not the only one that is scared, you're not the only one that's nervous, you're not the only one that's going to miss the little things that happened at home and you're not the only one that has to all of a sudden grow up. Quit being selfish, it's not about you anymore.

Saying goodbye, does it have to be so damn hard?
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[04 Aug 2004|11:34am]
[ mood | confused ]

8 days until I fucking move in Th days are getting closer and i haven't packed or did any renovations to my car. The miliion dollar question is that of "Do I want to continue dance during my years at GC" Yes, by all means I'd love to. But it's not going to be that easy. Granted it's a small school i'm bound to get something out of the program, granted that it's a minor and not a major anyway. I just don't know how everyone else is going to take this dance stuff so nicely. I mean when I went to Campus Connection the guys were like "You play football? Man, you playin" and everyone was like "You should play football". I played it and I HATED it! It was a waste of my time but I felt I had to do it. So i'm not going to do something I don't love. I am going to a sports school however and I guess someone of my build is like automatically expected to play football. Sorry, I'd rather twinkle around to the nutcracker. I've got the talent. I should use it. So I guess it's a risk I have to take. Here's what I don't understand, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE A RISK?! It's not like i'm doing anything severly wrong, like bringing alcohol or drinking and driving. I'm doing something that I enjoy doing like everyone else loves to play sports, I love to dance and make music. It's my calling. Why should anyone be offended that I dance let alone why would they care. It's college. That's society for you.

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[02 Aug 2004|03:43pm]
11 days until I fucking move in That's some crazy shit. Am I ready? I don't know. I guess in a way I have no choice. I mean who's going to care that I'm a dancer, this is college. People change, people grow right? My problem is is that I don't want to let go of what happened in the past even though I probably should. I know that my rooming situation is going to be alot easier considering the fact that my roomie is gay and we're living in the co-ed dorm (Thank god). My sister says that as long as i have confidence in my self people will flock to me cuz of my personality. But somehow i don't think it's that easy. Everyone is soo ready to go and me I don't want to leave home, I've been there for 15 years and now i'm land what the hell are people going to say when they find out i'm really a dancer and not a football player? Mayb ei'm making yet a big deal about this. I'm scared about my classes other music people, not nice people, what if i make myself look like an idiot, and there's cheerleading, what if they think i'm too fat?! I'm going to miss home like crazy. but like i said earlier it's a new start
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Fiddler on the Roof on Ice [01 Aug 2004|09:02pm]
I told raining_cloud I'd do this.
The Cast list of fiddler on the roof on Ice:

Tevye: Topol (he's just that good)
Golde:Dorothy Hamill
Tzietel: Peggy Fleming
Hodel:Kristi Yamaguchi
Chava:Oksana Baiul
Sphrintze:Tara Lipinski
Bielke: Michele Kwan
Motel:Brian Boitano
Perchik:Nancy Kerrigan (Think about it)
Fyedka:Scott Hamilton
Grandma Tzietel:Ekaterina Gordeeva
Fruma-Sarah:Tanya Harding
Lazar Wolf: Dick Button
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[25 Jul 2004|08:24pm]
Just so people know. As of august 13th I will be on my new LJ aptcy2008 add me.
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[18 Jul 2004|11:42pm]
So fiddler is coming out pretty good. I got promoted to the constable and i still get to do the whole sasha bit in "To life" . More lines too. Good deal. I haven't really done that much for college. ok I'm tired.. gunna go now
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One of the hardest decisions of my life. [09 Jul 2004|07:08pm]
Today at YPPC we found out who we would be playing. I'm Sasha, the russian, the most pagoddamnthetic part in the world. I know this, alot of other people know this too. Apparently I do the russian dance and have a solo and that's fucking it. My parents were furious about this. They said I should've gotten the part of Tevye or Lazar Wolf. My parents want me to quit the show. They said that since i'm the only black guy that they never casted me in a lead role. They said that Aaron only got the part of Tevye b/c catherine was musical director and all she wanted from me was money. I don't know, Catherine has done soo much for me, If i didn't take voice lessons I prolly would've still sounded horrible. What if it's not the case, what if i'm just not talented at all. So what if I did 7 fucking operas, I was only in the god damn chorus, I'm not fucking Jordan Wilson or Greg Gregior for crying out loud ( 18 year olds that were Masetto in Don Giovanni) They are good, I'm not i'm shit. I didn't make spotlight, ACDA, Honors Chorus, or North Carolina School of the Arts. Right now I don't know what to think, was I a russian b/c the parts never suited me or is it b/c a racial issue, or is it b/c i just plained suck. I think both me and alex and alot of other people can a gree with the 3rd one. GAH and no-one's making this situation any better like I got "You have the easiest part, you don't have to memorize any lines" or the fact that someone said I'd be more willing to be the constable. I'm not taking this very easily, this is my last YPPC show and i'm hardly in it. I want to stay b/c I want to do YPPC one last time, but I don't want to stay b/c if I do i feel as if I will be stepped upon.... I'm scared after the conversation I had with my mom and dad that i'll hate all white people, but they didn't do anything, and who knows, maybe the russian is a good part for me. Even though it's a lil pathetic. I don't want to quit, But I do at the same time. My dad said that doing YPPC was never good for me anyway. I loved the experience....but i'm scared to read between the lines, going to another depression. (Too late)
I just wanna fucking cry right now, sometimes I wish I was white. I've been hurt by black people i've been hurt by preppy whites, I don't want to be hurt by any other group, i'm just soo confused right now. I don't know who or what to believe right now. I love YPPC and my voice teacher and eeryone involved, but i'm getting the feeling that my parents think i'm brainwash, I tell them times have changed, but have they? But people seem so nice. AH, I'm going out for a smoke. nite
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Campus Connection. [27 Jun 2004|03:38am]
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The Thin Commandments [23 Jun 2004|10:24pm]
So this gay guy I know showed me this: ( I thought it was funny as hell)

1. if you aren't thin you aren't attractive.
2. being thin is more important than being healthy.
3. you must buy clothes, cut your hair, take laxatives, starve yourself, do anything to make yourself look thinner.
4. thou shall not eat without feeling guilty
5. thou shall not eat fattering food without punishing oneself afterwords
6. thou shall count calories and restrict intake accrodingly.
7. what the scale says is the most important thing.
8. losing weight is good/gaining weight is bad.
9. you can never be too thin
10. being thin and not eating are signs of true will power and success.

I'm sorry but I got the biggest laugh out of this... Funny part is, he kinda took this ( the commandments) seriously, sadly a lot of people ( mostly gays) take this seriously. Since when did becoming gay mean you have to compete with everyother gay out there just so you can get one person to say hey to you. This may come to shock you, but I find this whole " I must look better than all the other gay guys" quite pathetic. Yea, beauty is one thing, It's nice to have it, It's nice to be told you're pretty. It's not your life though, and even if you think you are ugly, Don't go crazy about it. I know what it's like, I know how each day i could not look at myself in the mirror without saying i'm hideous. I look at myself from freshman year and now, No-one can tell me I look the same, I worked my ass off and to tell you the truth I'm fucking proud the progess that i've made. After that I realized, I like being this different, I can be gay and I don't have to show it by wearing nice clothes, Don't get my wrong, I take pride in myself, and on occasions i do tend to, or try to dress fancy. All and All, i'm pretty much happy with how I look, if you aren't. Well, to hell with you :)
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[20 Jun 2004|01:58pm]
what the hell am I going to wear to this thing? Quick people I need suggestions like FAST. OMG i'm sooo nervous, what if people think i'm too fat. I'm sorry, this is a new start for me and I cannot afford to fuck this up.. GAH!
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It's been over a year since this happened! [19 Jun 2004|03:59pm]
This is the turning point of me loosing the weight that I lost. I still use it for inspirtation http://www.livejournal.com/community/cutegayboys/81547.html take a look at my failed attempt!

http://www.livejournal.com/community/cutegayboys/45903.html this was my actual application. The link is unfourtunately still active so please don't hesitate to see what they all said no to. "well I hope to make new friends...see-ya around" HAHAHAHA! I'm glad I got a clue.

Campus connection is coming soon.
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For those who want to skip this is another " I feel fat and i need to loose weight quickly" entry [19 Jun 2004|01:47am]
the party sucked and i needed the reality check. Everything was fine until a few northern people arrived and these 2 chapel hill fags arrived, I was SOOOOOOOOOOO intimidated, they had dolce and gabanna on diesel shoes, perfect hair, and then there's me, with a jersey on and some jeans and black shoes not to mention they were a hell a built, I didn't even talk to them and when i try to engage in a convo they kinda just stared at me like " Does he not know he's not allowed to talk to us?!" So much weight to be lost so little time. All this loosing weight crap makes me wanna just fucking love myself for who I am. bleh. So apparently Lobster hell is full with host, that's not what the person told me. I ought to complain. no use. See what being positive can do people? Eveyone be like me and look at the worst side of things and you will be sooo much happier. Try it for a week.

"To the world, you may mean absolutely shitless. To that one special person, you may be the world to him"

Session A for summer camp is over. I've worked my ass off and i've enjoyed it, I love the kids, well most of them. It was soo sad that some of the kids wouldn't be coming to session B and I wish I took pictures, omg this little boy named sam ran up to me and gave me a hug and was like " BYE MAURIO! YOU WERE ONE OF MY FAVORITE TEACHERS" I was thinking about that and the little kids while i was in my car coming home from the party, Why can't people see what those kids see in me, Why does wearing this or that or looking like this or that have to matter? Why can't personality, and what the person does matter?! Why must it be soo hard to find that special someone, maybe I just shouldn't be gay. I don't have what it takes, I mean I lost the weight, it's gone, i'm not as fat anymore. why am I not getting results that I've worked my ass off for. I'm going to do more, try a little harder, but in the end, I'll still be fat to someone.

Please... bear with me, I know you hate reading these entries as much as I fucking hate writing them. I know some of you have struggles and this may not seem like nothing to you and it probably isn't, but this REALLY means alot to me and I just hope one day I can get through this, find that special someone, find that acceptance and comfort zone from my fellow gay peers and just maybe be fucking happy for once. I'm not asking for a pity party.I just want you to find it in what ever heart you have to understand what i have to live with and try to get rid of everyday. Think what you want, but this is how I feel right now. I'm sorry. Things just aren't going great for me right now.
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